


Come Back

by quaeamissaest



Series: Post Civil War Thoughts [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Civil War Team Iron Man, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 04:49:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15405333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quaeamissaest/pseuds/quaeamissaest
Summary: Steve reflects on what was lost, and the aftermath of bad decisions.Lyrics are from Morrissey's "Come back to Camden" from the album You Are The Quarry





	Come Back

_There is something I wanted to tell you_

He was alone now. Wakanda was beautiful, peaceful, but he would be leaving soon. Buck had made the choice to go back to cryo, and Steve had to respect that. Everyone else had already departed for their own reasons.

_It’s so funny, you kill yourself laughing_

There was nothing keeping him here. He had to let Buck heal in his own way, in his own time. And he had to figure out where to start his life again, for the third time. To be fair, the blame for this lay directly on his own shoulders. He had made a mistake and had continued to pile on that mistake until everything broke down under the weight of lies and half-truths.

_But then I, I look around_

Tony. He could still see the look on his face when Steve had tried to evade his question.  
Don’t bullshit me Rogers, did you know?  
Dear God, the look on Tony’s face. Betrayal, hurt, and then pure hatred and fury. Steve knew that Tony wasn’t going for Buck in the beginning, he wanted to hurt Steve. Steve, with whom he had shared secrets, dreams, a bed.

_And I remember that I am alone. Alone. For evermore_

He had sent the letter, and the phone. Knowing that it wouldn’t even begin to fix what had happened, he didn’t know if there was a way to fix it. He just wanted Tony to know that he was still there. He had given up his home, his life, the man who made this century bearable. He didn’t regret going to the mat for Bucky, but he knows now that there had been a better way. There had been Tony’s way. He didn’t listen, he had been so desperate to save the last vestige of who he was, of the people and past that he left behind. Peg’s death had affected him in ways he still didn’t understand, and then there was Buck, in trouble, and he had reacted. The accords became a minor consideration in the face of panic.

_Here you'll find, despair and I_

There was no way to undo what he had done. He had honestly thought in the beginning that he was sparing Tony the pain of knowing what had happened to his parents. But as time went by, he had to admit to himself the he was protecting Bucky more than Tony. He had known it was wrong, the worst kind of betrayal to a friend, much less a lover. But by then he was too deep, too scared of what Tony would do. When the fight began, he wasn’t even sure what happened, the instinct just took over. And he had done something. Something horrifying and despicable. He still couldn’t reconcile it. He was ashamed, the self-loathing threatened to take over every day. He had just wanted to make him stop, to end the fight. Instead he had almost ended Tony.

_Calling to you with what's left of my heart. My heart. For evermore_

The news reports and T’Challa had informed him that Tony had waited for hours before being found. T’Challa was understandably angry that Steve had misled him as to the extent of Tony’s injuries. He had honestly thought he was okay. But he wasn’t, 3 weeks in the hospital proved that. When he had first heard about the extent of the injuries he had barely made it to the bathroom in time to throw up. Even now, he would have to fight the urge to retch when he thought about the shield coming down on Tony’s chest. The shield Howard had given him, had trusted him with. The shield he had dropped so carelessly.

_And here I am every last inch of me is yours, yours for evermore_

And he had lost. Lost everything. And everyone. He missed Tony. He missed late nights over cups of coffee, movies with the team, making love. Those hazel eyes looking at him like he was the most precious thing in the world, those scarred hands on his face, on his body. He would never forgive himself for what he had done. But God, what he wouldn’t give to hear his voice, to see his face, to feel his arms around him.

_Here you'll find, my heart and I_

He believed in his cause in the beginning and believed that the high price was worth paying in order to do what he felt was right. Then it all because confused and tangled. He could have avoided all this, but he hadn’t been willing to listen. His natural stubbornness, the same pigheaded thinking that lead to a thousand fights in a thousand back alleys, had rebelled. He didn’t listen to Tony when he had pleaded with him to compromise, to trust him.

_And still we say come back. Come back to Camden_

He regrets it. He should have trusted Tony. He should have stopped to listen. He thought he knew better. He thought he had the answers.  
He was wrong.  
A thought pulsed in his head like a heartbeat, a constant percussion, a bass drum, over and over.

_And I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good_

It wasn’t worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I admit, I am still bitter


End file.
